


Dick Days Are Over

by cryptidsarereal



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: A slightly prettier case of blueballs, Boyfriends, Crack, Dick Fluff, Dick Jokes, Dick Pics, Dicks, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Kissing, M/M, Mild Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-11 16:24:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11718087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryptidsarereal/pseuds/cryptidsarereal
Summary: “You’re not sending a picture of my bleeding dick—““Bloody dick—““Shut the fuck up. You’re not sending a picture of my dick to Shiro.”Keith’s dark eyes looked up at him innocently. Thumb hovering over the send button.“Keith,” Lance said warningly. “Don’t do it.”He tapped send.“Bad Keith!”Dick Count: 21





	Dick Days Are Over

 

 

“FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKin’ shit in the HOLE!!!”

 

Keith paused in beating his eggs in the bowl, staring down at the swirling abyss of what is already looking like the saddest omelet about to be cooked in the history of their apartment kitchen. Hey, at least he managed to crack the eggs into the bowl this time. He stood lying in wait for whatever storm was about to come with the hellish noises coming out of the bathroom.

 

After a few seconds of silence and picking out stray egg shells from the bowl, he decided to check out whatever it is that got his boyfriend shrieking this time around. Fuck, it better not be another spider.

 

“Lance”, he called out from outside the door. “You alright? You shittin' good?”

 

Yes, Keith was aware he still had a different kind of bowl with swirling liquid on his hands. Fuck you very much.

 

A muffled reply came from inside.

 

“What?” Keith put his ear on the door when it suddenly opened. Away from him and his eggs, thank you cheap architecture, for unknowingly saving Keith from an abysmally sticky disaster.

 

Lance stood there in front of the mirror, fully naked except for a towel clutched over his dick, looking like somebody just told him his doggie just died.

 

“I cut my dick while shaving.”

 

Well, shit. His doggie was actually dying.

 

FUCK. Bitch get outta the way.

 

Keith set the bowl (the kitchen kind) somewhere in the near vicinity, might have been a table or a shelf he doesn’t remember, and shoved his way into the bathroom. He swatted Lance’s hand away and the wash cloth came out bloody.

 

“Goddammit, what did you do?”

 

“I don’t know? I was shaving okay? It’s not like I was intentionally cutting my own dick in some sick message of a suicide.”

 

“Well, were you shaving carefully? I told you to be careful around him.” Keith went down on Lance to inspect his cock up close, unsure where to put his hands around the cut.

 

“I’m feeling okay, _babe_ , thank you for asking.”

 

“I don’t care if you’re okay! Lance Junior is fucking bleeding, look at him!”

 

Lance put his arms on his waist and huffed. “Him? It’s _my dick_ , Keith. _My blood_ oozing out of my own dick.”

 

“It’s my property, bitch. I have vested interests over it.”

 

“By what law? I got the fuckin’ rights, dungus, it’s attached to my body!”

 

“Well maybe it shouldn’t be! You’re not taking care of him properly!”

 

“So that’s what this is, huh? You just want my dick.”

 

It didn’t have to be this way, but his boyfriend was calling for it. “I’m sure I can find other qualities about you.”

 

Lance backed up a step, squinting down at Keith with suspicion in his eyes. “You’ve been cheating on me with my dick.”

 

“You have a dick in your closet, you understand.”

 

“Ohmygod, I don’t think I know you anymore.” He turned around pitifully, bringing the cloth back to his dick and wiping it carelessly.

 

“Woah, careful with the package there, Hoss.”

 

“Oh now you’re concerned.”

 

Keith sighed, walking over to Lance and rubbed soothingly at his shoulders. They had to stop freaking out and actually try to do some damage control. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry I freaked on your bloody dick, let’s get you sitting down and see what we can do.”

 

Lance sniffed, nodding and compliant, turning over to sit on the toilet. “Say ‘bloody dick’ again and I’m divorcing you with my dick.”

 

Keith followed him and after a few moments standing in front of Lance, awkwardly said, “Uhm, I really hope this could happen much later in a sexier atmosphere but— spread your legs for me, baby.”

 

Lance sighed tiredly and gestured in the general direction of his dick. “Just get down there.”

 

The cut wasn’t that bad, Keith mused, compared to other cuts. So he told Lance.

 

“That bad, huh?” he groaned.

 

“I mean, it’s not bleeding as much now? I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“What are we gonna do?”

 

They stared at each other, wondering how in the hell does domestic relationship never warned them of desperate situations such as this.

 

 

 

“Well… Shiro’s a medic?” Keith suggested.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“Keith, no.”

 

“Keith, yes.”

 

“You’re not sending a picture of my bleeding dick—“

 

“Bloody dick—“

 

“Shut the fuck up. You’re not sending a picture of my dick to Shiro.”

 

Keith’s dark eyes looked up at him innocently. Thumb hovering over the send button.

 

“Keith,” Lance said warningly. “Don’t do it.”

 

He tapped send.

 

“Bad Keith!”

 

A reply came in immediately:

 

**Why. why THE FLIPPING HELL, KEITH?**

 

Oh right, no context provided whatsoever.

 

**sos, lance cut his dick. help?**

 

Lance grabbed his phone and typed frantically:

 

**ACCIDENTALY**

 

They both waited for the reply.

 

**That’s Lance?**

 

**wow, i’m never teasing you for those saturday drink sessions again**

 

 

Keith scoffed. Lance shoved at him none too gently. “The hell is THAT supposed to mean?!”

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Lance whimpered, calling out Keith’s name weakly. His muscles taut, beads of sweat breaking out from his forehead.

 

“Shhh, relax. I got you.”

 

“Ah!” he winced, staring up at the ceiling with an arm thrown over his face. “Haa… Be gentle!”

 

“Sorry,” he felt a light assuring kiss pressed on the inside of his leg and he couldn’t stop squirming. He heard a bottle pop open and he clenched in anticipation of pain.

 

“Fuck, it hurts!”

 

“It’ll just sting a little.”

 

“Coming from you, it sounds like it’s gonna hurt a lot-AAAAAHHAHOWIIE!” Lance’s back arched up from the bed, fingers looking purchase for something to hold on to.

 

“There we go,” Keith crooned.

 

Lance shoved a leg at the head between his legs. “I said ‘be gentle’ not ‘be gentle handling me with a fuckin’ chainsaw’.”

 

“You’re such a baby, that’s only one of them.”

 

Lance slumped back on the bed, huffing, “Fuck.”

 

“Not my fault you used a triple blade razor.”

 

“For ‘Triple Clean Action’!”, he said indignantly while propping himself on an elbow to look down at Keith.

 

On his knees beside the bed, hovering over Lance’s dick with focused attention, bandages and antiseptic in his hand. He laughed with airy gentleness, which Lance felt on his tingling skin, “Well, now you’re getting some action alright.”

 

Lance mumbled balefully, “Not my kind of a kink.”

 

“Keep still”, Keith murmured, attention now solely focused in what he was doing and Lance took the time to study him. It was rare to get him this relaxed and soft, even in their slowest of moments. 

 

It’s nice to know, that this man who’d easily punch anyone who crossed him in the streets, the one person in a room you wouldn’t even dare touch, could be this tender in handling something incredibly banal as cutting your dick accidentally with a razor. That those dark burning eyes, red lips, could be as intriguing in a slow morning non-sex as it is in a heated fight. Or sex.

 

And that Lance could seat there at that moment in VIP. It’s really flattering.

 

He hadn’t realised that Keith had drawn back and paused mid-bandaging, an amused lilt creeping on his lips. “Are you getting hard?”

 

Lance blushed aggressively, feeling embarrassed about getting turned on, like this was their first time seeing one of them naked. “Uhm. Sorry?”

 

Keith held his gaze a bit longer before switching his focus back on bandaging. “Ahem-erm- yeah, that’s okay. Maybe you’ll get distracted from the pain.”

 

They lapsed into an awkward silence.

 

Then Keith let out a frustrated sound, surging forward to press an open mouthed kiss on Lance’s lip with a forceful pull of a hand on his cheek. “god, why’d you choose this time to get a hard on, do you know that gives me a hard on, now look we both got a hard on.”

 

“Mmm… careful. Lance Junior is right here.” Lance warned, but with no fight. He moaned into the kiss, meeting and reciprocating.

 

They broke off with stupid grins on their faces, and Keith wordlessly stroked Lance by his hairline as he pulled off of him. He checked the bandages one last time then cleaned up the supplies in the first aid kit. When he came back, he pulled a sheet over, halting when he noticed Lance watching.

 

“What?”

 

“Damn, you—“, Lance bit his lip, stopping himself before blurting out something at the worst timing.

 

It was a brief sparing moment, when Keith does things like these, that Lance gets an image of a bright morning in a dining table a little bit louder than the mornings they’ve gotten used to. Of a sound of something cooking over the frying pan. Of a sight of the person he’d give the world to and a much smaller person who would be their whole new world. Of colourful plastic spoons and high chairs. Of little coos and giggling. Of soft coaxing of food into a cute hungry little mouth.

 

He’d been about to say, ‘ _Damn, you’d make a fine dad.’_

 

“What is it?” Keith insisted and plopped himself beside him, slowly adjusting their bodies to spoon Lance. Because his dick couldn’t really get in between them, not that he’d complain about being spooned.

 

“Nothing just— I was just wondering. If you’re subconsciously compensating your lack of parental affection to me.”

 

He felt Keith stuttering in his breath over his shoulder, “What do you mean?”

 

“Like— you told me how your parents never really were the loving kind. What if you’re subconsciously trying to overcompensate that by your caring for me. Like fixing the one thing they lacked, but towards me.”

 

“Huh.” He was silent for a long time. “I guess?

 

 

“But even so… I’d still care for you because your my boyfriend and I love you. And you deserve to be loved and cared for. Because you’re Lance.”

 

Lance hummed contentedly.

 

“What brought this on?”

 

“Nothing,” he replied with a smile to his lips.

 

He fell asleep pondering on what the hell kind of story he had to make up for their kid if they asked how they first decided to have them. Anything concerning dicks would be properly and appropriately discarded.

 

 

 

 

 

Keith woke up to the sound of a loud crash, and splashing. Sharp cussing. He wondered if he’d ever wake up peacefully without the abrupt noises that steal him from his sleep.

 

“Why the fuck is there a bowl of eggs here?!”

 

Keith snuggled deeper into the sheets, he can deal with that later.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> shiro: “so how is he?”  
> keith, on the phone with loud banging on the kitchen: “like a bad case of man PMS"


End file.
